Irrelevant thoughts

Tag: loneliness

  • I lost the glove

    I lost the glove

    When I was young I wanted to know everything that could be known. I found the television fascinating, which brought programmes into our house…, the radio, which did the same thing only along a line of sound…, I wanted to know how aeroplanes are made, I wanted to know everything there was to know…

    And somewhere around the 8th grade, learning in chemistry about Mendeleev’s table, I realized that the difference between the elements is only the number of electrons…, that between Gold and Iron there stands only that. I was left almost in shock…, I had heard stories about the “Philosopher’s Stone”, mysticism had made room for itself where there was no science…, and when you understand that “a teaspoon of electrons” can change something into something else, it is as if the Sun has risen and you see in colours; at night, in mysticism, you see everything grey and only contours…

    Much later I found out that in fact the protons are the cause…, their number makes the element, the electrons only follow them. Me, at thirteen, it struck in the form with the electrons, and that is how it stayed with me. But the fact that I found out only years later is the very proof of the thing I keep saying: the road does not end…

    I had been doing chemistry since around the 5th grade. That I understood only in the 8th has to do also with the teachers who taught only the school curriculum, without any inclination to explain things to the children in terms they could grasp, and somehow to make them understand…

    Nowadays everyone has access to information…, and precisely because of that, finding out is no longer a joy. The conversations between people are about sensational subjects…, nothing concrete, ideas are no longer discussed. And slowly…, slowly, myth makes its way back into social life — not because things are not known, but because knowing no longer brings anyone any joy…

    We are flooded with information and lost in it, bewildered…, and the common purpose, at the level of a people or of a civilization, I still do not see — other than money enough to secure yourself a high degree of comfort, without wishing to learn, to understand…, only to exist, and to call that “life”…

    And here is the link I saw late: curiosity about the world and curiosity about a person are the same appetite. When one goes out, the other does not remain…

    I have always considered that in a relationship of partnership things are easier, and I believe people are searching all the time…, only partnership is not handed out at the push of a button, and we have been raised to press. That is how it comes about that people search…, and keep on searching…

    It is said of two people that they fit like a glove…, and the expression knows more than it lets show: it speaks of a pair that recognizes itself, not of one that arranges itself. Today we have every form of communication, which mediates the distance between us…, we have almost everything at a button…, only we are so superficial that we can no longer bring our souls close…, we can no longer find the glove…

    A glove has its meaning only when it is worn…, otherwise it spoils, forgotten on a shelf in the wardrobe…

    We are in a phase in which only unpaired gloves are to be found…

    I am not trying to convince you. But if you have a measure of your own, I would like to hear it…

    Further: Pleasure

  • I realized that I am Grateful

    I realized that I am Grateful

    The other day I was driving through the county…, I went to visit a cave…, and then I went on to see some other places…

    Very many monasteries, and very many people at the monasteries, clusters of parked cars…, and I was wondering…, why do people go and stand in clusters at the gates, why do they go there…? Monastic life has a form “torn from the world”, but people do not go there wholly, to leave the world…, they bring it with them. They go on the principle that those monks are “cleaner”, and that their prayer carries more “weight” before God…, and they go because they need “something”…, they pay for a pomelnic or two — a list of names handed over to be prayed for…

    Having this thought and driving on, I pictured how people arrive at the monastery, and I am watching as the monk who greets them asks them “With what problem?”, and the people answer “with a health problem…”, “with a problem with money…”, “with a problem with the neighbour…”, and in the string of my thoughts the monk turns towards me and asks me “And you, with what problem?”

    I caught myself having no answer…, in my mind I fell silent, mute, at that turn of thought…, then I realized… “I have come to give thanks, I am GRATEFUL for my life!”

    This thought lit up my day…, so that you understand: I do not have a perfect life, I do not have a family, I do not have many of the things that are considered “needs”, I am divorced, I have no partner…, but I am glad of life and grateful for everything I have lived, for my whole road…

    I am not trying to convince you. But if you have a measure of your own, I would like to hear it…

    Further: I lost the glove

  • Mercantilism

    Mercantilism

    I have met very many people, in the expression of my sincere intention to find a partner…, the time allotted proved unjustified…, for the most part I met “mercantilism”, in various forms…

    I think it was the form that rounded the lie…, and made it slide (roll) more easily…

    I cannot help recalling a sequence from “Game of Thrones”, when Jon Snow was sincere and any negotiation with Queen Cersei was ruined, and he said, approximately, that if we all set about lying there will be no more truth, only, in his words, “better and better lies”, and then words will no longer mean anything…

    Life, for all of us, comes with problems, needs, wishes…, but it is up to us not to make dramas out of that…, drama is a “semi-elevated” form of mercantilism, when you speculate on emotional blackmail, very often used in the couple, in order to obtain something from the other…

    It seems to me that the moment such a thing appears in the discussion…, that relationship has been “defiled” (dirtied in a way that can no longer be washed off), because one of the persons involved has put themselves and their need above the other, and has trampled the other’s person underfoot, not being fairplay enough to ask clearly, in a friendly conversation…, they forced things so that the other person would consider themselves indebted, and would have the intention of “offering”…, a boorish way of obtaining…

    It can no longer be a partnership, it is mercantilism, between 2 entities that deliberately swap their roles — at least one of them is aware — between master and servant.

    Then we gather frustrations and begin to think with a speculative note about anything the other person does or says…, and it has long ceased to be a partnership, a walking together through life as in a dance…, we are talking about flatmates “with benefits”…

    Nor is it a matter of friends any more…, the first condition of friendship is sincerity…, from second 1 in which one of them had a speculative thought about the other…, from then on it can no longer be friendship either…

    I understand, most people are taught this way…, I do not know who exactly teaches them, but what is certain is that it is practised, and practised in the belief, first of all, that they are protecting themselves…, which is false, they are protecting their frustrations and the unresolved problems inside them…

    And what is most interesting is that it is up to each one of us to resolve them…, and we credit the comfort of the lie — that we are good and great — instead of the correction and the stitching of those wounds that hurt us years later, decades later, because we did not heal them, and they were made in childhood, or in adolescence…

    Through this mercantilism we buy ourselves torment, even if it does not reveal itself at first sight, in essence that is how it comes out…, it is as if you look, like an accountant, at last month’s expenses…, and you see that you bought sweets every day, a few tens of lei each time…, out of a reasoning of the kind “it cannot be much of a problem”…, and at the end of the month you realize you have gone several times over the budget…

    With care not to let myself be defeated by failure…, I feel my way…, only I do it with great care and without compromises…, it is interesting to watch myself, my reasonings and my emotions, how I go about “trying the sea with a finger”…, and at the first sign of incompatibility I stop on it, until it clears up one way or the other…, the worst, it seems to me, is when I identify no sign at all…, and then I feel I am in danger of repeating the mistake of choosing…

    Now, in full experiment about myself…, I try not to let myself be led by wounds I have not yet seen and have not stitched…, it is interesting how I feel very well alone and do not accept “just anything” (just anyone), and at the same time I feel there is a large place…, vacant…, beside me…, and I have the tendency to stretch out my hand and somehow expect to touch someone…

    Talking to a friend, on the phone…, and asking myself, as between friends…, I was telling him that I no longer have the curiosity to meet people…, all the ones I have met had expectations of the kind that I should bring, that I should put into play…, that I should offer…, more than my person and my time…

    And, still on the phone…, I tried to explain to him why the two of us seek each other out, write to each other, call each other, and when we meet we behave as if we had last seen each other yesterday, even though the previous meeting came twenty years after the one before it…

    “Because what we receive from each other is enough, we have no expectations that you should give something more, we ask for nothing of the kind, we are glad that we give each other time, and it is up to us to make it of quality.”

    I am not trying to convince you. But if you have a measure of your own, I would like to hear it…

    Further: How it would be if I were

  • Thoughts on human relationships and their naturalness (vs. their toxicity)

    Thoughts on human relationships and their naturalness (vs. their toxicity)

    The naturalness expressed here is “mine”, absolutely subjective, and I am not speaking about “normal”; I consider the term outdated. I have used it so often that “normal” has come to carry the meaning of “usual” — as one might say, the word “normal” has entered inflation and has been devalued. This happens to all words used in excess, so I will not use the term “normal”.

    In order to express the naturalness as I understand it…, it is important that I make known to you my system of reference, and the naturalness I have in mind. First of all, every person is duty-bound to work with the self, not for the others, even though those around also take joy in the change for the better. This duty, which I express with such largesse, refers to making one’s own life more beautiful, simpler…, in general “more” — in my language that word is mai, which is also the name of May, the spring month in which nature blossoms…; why is this aspect important…? Beyond the simplification it brings as a result for each one’s self…, it places you in the stance of a “learner”, which matters both for outward relationships and for the relationship with the self…; if a conjuncture arises…, one that “scratches” the “harmony” you thought you had…, think about it…, if it were inner harmony…, no external factor could disturb it. If something does disturb it…, expressed on the outside, the cause is only on the inside; the outside merely offers you “a trigger”, which sets off inside you a set of reactions. Having the exercise, and practising the “learner” stance…, you stand a good chance of identifying the trigger and of solving it, instead of laying the blame on the others…, who will never do anything for your comfort…, and even if they do it, I still do not consider that it brings an advantage…, I consider that it cripples, because the self is left with that same sensitivity to that same trigger…

    Beyond the work with the self, there would be one more aspect that seems to me decent and pertinent…: we live in times of… “equality”; everybody wanted equality…, now we have it…, so why is “someone” responsible for “someone else’s” shortcoming…?; in other words…, if you want something, you set yourself to make it…; if you have any self-respect, you do not “fish” for “fools” to “trick” into making it for you…

    If these 2 conditions are fulfilled, I believe there is a chance that you will understand, and even live, the naturalness (as I understand it) of human relationships; otherwise it is a waste of time to read further…

    Now let us make relevant the naturalness I was speaking of above.

    Lately I meet many people…, and out of these, many…, all of them tend to mercantilize any relationship, especially the amorous ones…, and this because one of the 2 aspects mentioned above is not ticked off, usually the first one, because if that one is ticked…, at some point the second one gets ticked as well…; so, to express myself simply…, I consider that people should seek the presence of other persons whom they like, or who confer on them a state of quiet, of comfort, of explanations, etc…, and should seek to be respectful of the other’s time…, to be aware that the other person is there through volunteering, and not to try to constrain them, to blackmail them (emotionally or professionally), to fence them in in any way…; healthy relationships, I believe, have something in common with freedom and with gratitude…; the first form of gratitude is that you have come to know a person who is… “great”, and you seek their presence; then the gratitude for the time and the attention you receive from that person…, and from this stance something solid really can be built, on the condition that the 2 persons share the same measure of things and that each one, on their own side, is grateful for the other person…; the gratitude I speak of does not refer to “I want more”, “I want EVERYTHING for myself”…, it refers to “I am unspeakably glad that I had x time spent together, it was exceptional… etc.”; the conveying of the fulfilment you felt in a meeting, or of a leap in awareness, or of an understanding of a theory (a relationship with a teacher)…, puts more weight into each one’s life than the shortcoming that you no longer have that opportunity, or that it is rare, or…; the exercise of seeing what we lack draws you away from the joy of living…, it brings a form of handicap, because you think about and pay attention to what you lack, not to what you have…

    If people sought each other in equal measure, for the state of well-being they have in the other’s company, or for interesting subjects to discuss (not the score of last night’s match)…, the world would be better; if they made each other a gift of time and concluded that it had not been squandered, from here one can say that a good relationship can be built…; when it becomes necessary, or when it is demanded, that more than time be granted…, whatever that might be…, in my optics it is squandering…; time…, is par excellence the most important and most expensive resource of any person; if you offer it to someone and it is not enough…, then nothing will be enough for that person — however much and whatever you might give them…, it will not be enough…

    The conclusion is that if something in particular is asked for, or expected, something to bring an added value into a meeting, or into a partnership — the business area excluded, there everything is mercantilism — then the relationship is not worth it, not even worth thinking about or recounting…

    And starting from here…, if a person is accepted and sought for what they are, so as to make a partnership — professional, private, amorous…, then all the boorishness and the speculations that are in fashion are excluded…; starting from the premise that it is on a voluntary basis, everything becomes simple and clear…

    In another order of ideas…, if you do not work with the self, and you project your fears, your traumas, etc., around you…, do not be surprised that they grow inside you and that you see yourself ever more alone in your cage with bars — bars that you yourself consolidate through the manifestation of the shortcomings and of the problems…; certainly, you can strike up against loneliness even when you work with yourself and the others do not work with themselves…, but it is another loneliness: it is a quiet one, it is an assumed one, one that can even tend towards joy…; I do not know the term happiness in its entirety, in emotions, so as to use it…, but “joy” — that one I know…

    I am not trying to convince you. But if you have a measure of your own, I would like to hear it…

    Further: The convenient illusion of the Ego (and of the confusion around self-respect)