I have met very many people, in the expression of my sincere intention to find a partner…, the time allotted proved unjustified…, for the most part I met “mercantilism”, in various forms…
I think it was the form that rounded the lie…, and made it slide (roll) more easily…
I cannot help recalling a sequence from “Game of Thrones”, when Jon Snow was sincere and any negotiation with Queen Cersei was ruined, and he said, approximately, that if we all set about lying there will be no more truth, only, in his words, “better and better lies”, and then words will no longer mean anything…
Life, for all of us, comes with problems, needs, wishes…, but it is up to us not to make dramas out of that…, drama is a “semi-elevated” form of mercantilism, when you speculate on emotional blackmail, very often used in the couple, in order to obtain something from the other…
It seems to me that the moment such a thing appears in the discussion…, that relationship has been “defiled” (dirtied in a way that can no longer be washed off), because one of the persons involved has put themselves and their need above the other, and has trampled the other’s person underfoot, not being fairplay enough to ask clearly, in a friendly conversation…, they forced things so that the other person would consider themselves indebted, and would have the intention of “offering”…, a boorish way of obtaining…
It can no longer be a partnership, it is mercantilism, between 2 entities that deliberately swap their roles — at least one of them is aware — between master and servant.
Then we gather frustrations and begin to think with a speculative note about anything the other person does or says…, and it has long ceased to be a partnership, a walking together through life as in a dance…, we are talking about flatmates “with benefits”…
Nor is it a matter of friends any more…, the first condition of friendship is sincerity…, from second 1 in which one of them had a speculative thought about the other…, from then on it can no longer be friendship either…
I understand, most people are taught this way…, I do not know who exactly teaches them, but what is certain is that it is practised, and practised in the belief, first of all, that they are protecting themselves…, which is false, they are protecting their frustrations and the unresolved problems inside them…
And what is most interesting is that it is up to each one of us to resolve them…, and we credit the comfort of the lie — that we are good and great — instead of the correction and the stitching of those wounds that hurt us years later, decades later, because we did not heal them, and they were made in childhood, or in adolescence…
Through this mercantilism we buy ourselves torment, even if it does not reveal itself at first sight, in essence that is how it comes out…, it is as if you look, like an accountant, at last month’s expenses…, and you see that you bought sweets every day, a few tens of lei each time…, out of a reasoning of the kind “it cannot be much of a problem”…, and at the end of the month you realize you have gone several times over the budget…
With care not to let myself be defeated by failure…, I feel my way…, only I do it with great care and without compromises…, it is interesting to watch myself, my reasonings and my emotions, how I go about “trying the sea with a finger”…, and at the first sign of incompatibility I stop on it, until it clears up one way or the other…, the worst, it seems to me, is when I identify no sign at all…, and then I feel I am in danger of repeating the mistake of choosing…
Now, in full experiment about myself…, I try not to let myself be led by wounds I have not yet seen and have not stitched…, it is interesting how I feel very well alone and do not accept “just anything” (just anyone), and at the same time I feel there is a large place…, vacant…, beside me…, and I have the tendency to stretch out my hand and somehow expect to touch someone…
Talking to a friend, on the phone…, and asking myself, as between friends…, I was telling him that I no longer have the curiosity to meet people…, all the ones I have met had expectations of the kind that I should bring, that I should put into play…, that I should offer…, more than my person and my time…
And, still on the phone…, I tried to explain to him why the two of us seek each other out, write to each other, call each other, and when we meet we behave as if we had last seen each other yesterday, even though the previous meeting came twenty years after the one before it…
“Because what we receive from each other is enough, we have no expectations that you should give something more, we ask for nothing of the kind, we are glad that we give each other time, and it is up to us to make it of quality.”
I am not trying to convince you. But if you have a measure of your own, I would like to hear it…
Further: How it would be if I were