Irrelevant thoughts

Category: Inner work

On working with the self — triggers, harmony, and what grows inside.

  • The convenient illusion of the Ego (and of the confusion around self-respect)

    The convenient illusion of the Ego (and of the confusion around self-respect)

    There is the “pride” through which the Ego expresses itself…, and it is generally accepted as being “normal”; I believe it is merely usual, because it is simpler, more comfortable, and we have fewer and fewer examples of — and understanding for — the concept of self-respect…

    I will enumerate a few aspects, just enough to make known to you “my reference”, in such a way that you do not feel offended. I am not interested in argumentative discussions of the kind “whose reference is better, or bigger” — which is also why I call myself Irrelevant…

    Aspect one: if you are a trained and strong fellow…, and you pick a quarrel with people who are neither trained nor strong, only so as to dominate them and to practise your illusion of potency, that is not self-respect, it is boorishness — and more than boorishness, it is a great sign of weakness.

    Aspect two: if you are a person who sees that another person needs, or wants, or would find useful, a thing that lies within the first person’s power, or that they have and it costs no great effort to offer, and they do not offer it but instead put a price on it, a price that brings the 2nd person, the one with the need, to their knees…, that is not self-respect; it is not necessarily boorishness, but it is certainly a great sign of weakness — the need for control, which springs from insecurity. You cannot expect a person who “steps with fear” (through life) to understand self-respect; hard, as long as they step that way…

    Aspect three: if you feel you can do something for others, something that counts, your contribution to their life or to the community’s, and you do it, that is self-respect — when you treat the others the way you expect to be treated as a being; and among other things it excludes duality — or triality, or quadruplicity, depending on how far the thing has gone — that is, that aspect in which you have at least 2 systems of values, one for yourself and another (or others) for everyone else.

    I have underlined 3 points of reference so that you may become familiar with “my measure”, with the subjective measure of the Irrelevant in me.

    In order to communicate to you what self-respect is, I will enumerate, and explain why, the things that exclude self-respect. The first point that comes to mind is “ignorance”: any person who chooses ignorance falls out of the scheme of the possessor of self-respect, because ignorance is a common term that describes comfortable people… One of the greatest efforts is to think…, the ignorant one is a person who spares themselves intellectually…, not to be confused with limited access to information, where the person’s tendency is still to seek to understand.

    The second aspect I would underline is “arrogance”. At a certain moment in my existence I realized how ugly arrogance is, but I did so when I was on the other side of it…, and then, meeting a person I could talk to, when he asked me “why are you upset, Irrelevant?”, I told him “I have realized how ugly arrogance is and I do not know how to get rid of the one I have grown inside me”, and he said to me “my dear Irrelevant…, arrogance is the prerogative of any intelligent person”. I told him I do not agree, but I understand his reasoning…: being intelligent, at some point you no longer have many people around you to talk with, and a “shortcut” appears (which then becomes a reflex) — to treat people from above, being used to having no partner in conversation…; however it may be, arrogance is the treating of other people from above, and implicitly the underlining of their smallness, which for the most part might lean on ignorance…, and I would say that arrogance does not help…, everyone gains more if people understand certain things, or processes, and if they cannot, it still stands that everyone gains more when, through your behaviour, you lift up the one beside you rather than point out how far down he is.

    Now that we have arrived “organically” at where self-respect appears: it is in moral conduct and in the treatment of those you interact with. This respect reveals itself also in each person’s work — they never make a mockery of what they do, they do it conscientiously, and above the financial motivation stands the moral motivation, “principles”, as some like to formulate it, except that when you mention them you feel the need to name them precisely because they are not evident…

    If people had self-respect and behaved towards others the way they hope or wish to be treated themselves…, everything would go far more simply and naturally. Think what it would be like, in traffic: being attentive to all the participants, you see a fellow driver who is in a hurry, or who simply does not know which lane to take…, and you make room for him, without horns, without “my right is bigger than your right…”, without anything of the sort…, you might have the impression that you are in a civilized country where people have some self-respect…

    Beyond traffic you can approach any other conjuncture. At work: everyone goes to work for money, you have already made the agreement of the kind “your time, your potency and your capacity for ‘this’ money”, and you have a bad day, or there is a particularity you have not understood…, or…, various details, from time to time…, would it not be simpler and easier, and perhaps even decent, for it to be explained to you, for you to be helped, a little…? — not as a habit of not knowing; that would mean you are not in the right position or the right post…

    And now, the concept of self-respect being clear, in my optics — a respect that is not practised the way the world says it has principles, because if it were…, this world would be a better place…, I tell you that it is up to each one separately to have self-respect, and it has nothing to do with what the others do…: if I am honked at in traffic because I did not signal during a quick jerk of the wheel, having not been in the right lane — travelling a great deal, I do not know all the “details” of every city, and it does happen that I take the wrong lane — and I have got in someone’s way…, I thank him for “letting me in”, I put on the hazard lights, and if our eyes meet I thank him sincerely and admit, with a raised hand, that I made “a jerk of a move”; if I were to relate to the offence the fellow driver felt and answer him with a horn of my own, it would be a pointless circus, because I have already done a jerky thing, and in any case nobody was hit, but the contest of “my right is bigger” brings nothing good…, in my optics…

    The same thing appears in any kind of relationship, especially the couple…, if you are under the impression that this is self-respect, to have the bigger right, and for the other person to agree that yours is bigger…, in my optics…, it is childish behaviour in the couple relationship…, and you are practising arrogance…

  • Thoughts on human relationships and their naturalness (vs. their toxicity)

    Thoughts on human relationships and their naturalness (vs. their toxicity)

    The naturalness expressed here is “mine”, absolutely subjective, and I am not speaking about “normal”; I consider the term outdated. I have used it so often that “normal” has come to carry the meaning of “usual” — as one might say, the word “normal” has entered inflation and has been devalued. This happens to all words used in excess, so I will not use the term “normal”.

    In order to express the naturalness as I understand it…, it is important that I make known to you my system of reference, and the naturalness I have in mind. First of all, every person is duty-bound to work with the self, not for the others, even though those around also take joy in the change for the better. This duty, which I express with such largesse, refers to making one’s own life more beautiful, simpler…, in general “more” — in my language that word is mai, which is also the name of May, the spring month in which nature blossoms…; why is this aspect important…? Beyond the simplification it brings as a result for each one’s self…, it places you in the stance of a “learner”, which matters both for outward relationships and for the relationship with the self…; if a conjuncture arises…, one that “scratches” the “harmony” you thought you had…, think about it…, if it were inner harmony…, no external factor could disturb it. If something does disturb it…, expressed on the outside, the cause is only on the inside; the outside merely offers you “a trigger”, which sets off inside you a set of reactions. Having the exercise, and practising the “learner” stance…, you stand a good chance of identifying the trigger and of solving it, instead of laying the blame on the others…, who will never do anything for your comfort…, and even if they do it, I still do not consider that it brings an advantage…, I consider that it cripples, because the self is left with that same sensitivity to that same trigger…

    Beyond the work with the self, there would be one more aspect that seems to me decent and pertinent…: we live in times of… “equality”; everybody wanted equality…, now we have it…, so why is “someone” responsible for “someone else’s” shortcoming…?; in other words…, if you want something, you set yourself to make it…; if you have any self-respect, you do not “fish” for “fools” to “trick” into making it for you…

    If these 2 conditions are fulfilled, I believe there is a chance that you will understand, and even live, the naturalness (as I understand it) of human relationships; otherwise it is a waste of time to read further…

    Now let us make relevant the naturalness I was speaking of above.

    Lately I meet many people…, and out of these, many…, all of them tend to mercantilize any relationship, especially the amorous ones…, and this because one of the 2 aspects mentioned above is not ticked off, usually the first one, because if that one is ticked…, at some point the second one gets ticked as well…; so, to express myself simply…, I consider that people should seek the presence of other persons whom they like, or who confer on them a state of quiet, of comfort, of explanations, etc…, and should seek to be respectful of the other’s time…, to be aware that the other person is there through volunteering, and not to try to constrain them, to blackmail them (emotionally or professionally), to fence them in in any way…; healthy relationships, I believe, have something in common with freedom and with gratitude…; the first form of gratitude is that you have come to know a person who is… “great”, and you seek their presence; then the gratitude for the time and the attention you receive from that person…, and from this stance something solid really can be built, on the condition that the 2 persons share the same measure of things and that each one, on their own side, is grateful for the other person…; the gratitude I speak of does not refer to “I want more”, “I want EVERYTHING for myself”…, it refers to “I am unspeakably glad that I had x time spent together, it was exceptional… etc.”; the conveying of the fulfilment you felt in a meeting, or of a leap in awareness, or of an understanding of a theory (a relationship with a teacher)…, puts more weight into each one’s life than the shortcoming that you no longer have that opportunity, or that it is rare, or…; the exercise of seeing what we lack draws you away from the joy of living…, it brings a form of handicap, because you think about and pay attention to what you lack, not to what you have…

    If people sought each other in equal measure, for the state of well-being they have in the other’s company, or for interesting subjects to discuss (not the score of last night’s match)…, the world would be better; if they made each other a gift of time and concluded that it had not been squandered, from here one can say that a good relationship can be built…; when it becomes necessary, or when it is demanded, that more than time be granted…, whatever that might be…, in my optics it is squandering…; time…, is par excellence the most important and most expensive resource of any person; if you offer it to someone and it is not enough…, then nothing will be enough for that person — however much and whatever you might give them…, it will not be enough…

    The conclusion is that if something in particular is asked for, or expected, something to bring an added value into a meeting, or into a partnership — the business area excluded, there everything is mercantilism — then the relationship is not worth it, not even worth thinking about or recounting…

    And starting from here…, if a person is accepted and sought for what they are, so as to make a partnership — professional, private, amorous…, then all the boorishness and the speculations that are in fashion are excluded…; starting from the premise that it is on a voluntary basis, everything becomes simple and clear…

    In another order of ideas…, if you do not work with the self, and you project your fears, your traumas, etc., around you…, do not be surprised that they grow inside you and that you see yourself ever more alone in your cage with bars — bars that you yourself consolidate through the manifestation of the shortcomings and of the problems…; certainly, you can strike up against loneliness even when you work with yourself and the others do not work with themselves…, but it is another loneliness: it is a quiet one, it is an assumed one, one that can even tend towards joy…; I do not know the term happiness in its entirety, in emotions, so as to use it…, but “joy” — that one I know…